Texts From Last Night

Peanutbutter18's Favorites Texts:

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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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  (503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw
  Replies (19) Good night (5904) Bad night (1103) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

  (1-218): View more from Minnesota

  Both?

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  (218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants? (1-218): Both? http://tfl.nu/yr9r
  Replies (21) Good night (8783) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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  (585): The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi. http://tfl.nu/64lh
  Replies (10) Good night (3602) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..

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  (610): He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him.. http://tfl.nu/ejw3
  Replies (10) Good night (1147) Bad night (3307) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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  (206): I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/v4ue
  Replies (10) Good night (3966) Bad night (807)
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  (+54): View more from

  look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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  (+54): look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels. http://tfl.nu/ux1z
  Replies (11) Good night (6831) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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  (202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s
  Replies (15) Good night (2573) Bad night (5268) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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  (336): This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/cqt6
  Replies (12) Good night (3882) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

  (1-386): View more from Florida

  Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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  (386): You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...? (1-386): Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge. http://tfl.nu/modl
  Replies (31) Good night (2430) Bad night (5099) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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  (805): my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad. http://tfl.nu/gbnx
  Replies (16) Good night (6516) Bad night (599)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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  (207): So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town. http://tfl.nu/b29o
  Replies (31) Good night (7321) Bad night (2118) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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  (706): This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules. http://tfl.nu/2gj5
  Replies (15) Good night (5991) Bad night (632)
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  (619): View more from California

  Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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  (619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8
  Replies (14) Good night (5745) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
  Replies (30) Good night (14113) Bad night (1302) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
  Replies (20) Good night (5984) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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  (570): I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days. http://tfl.nu/quks
  Replies (42) Good night (5342) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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  (763): Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg... http://tfl.nu/nasy
  Replies (43) Good night (2211) Bad night (6074) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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  (425): Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight. http://tfl.nu/mywq
  Replies (14) Good night (5254) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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  (217): Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside http://tfl.nu/d6yu
  Replies (13) Good night (8845) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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  (678): He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa? http://tfl.nu/j68l
  Replies (7) Good night (3329) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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  (615): Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER? http://tfl.nu/yz8w
  Replies (14) Good night (5192) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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  (908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie
  Replies (4) Good night (4936) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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  (301): i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir. http://tfl.nu/enui
  Replies (18) Good night (5059) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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  (310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp
  Replies (6) Good night (4914) Bad night (959)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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  (662): It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though http://tfl.nu/50vd
  Replies (15) Good night (4139) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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  (705): APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk... http://tfl.nu/biv4
  Replies (5) Good night (3395) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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  (765): He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something. http://tfl.nu/5hhc
  Replies (16) Good night (4299) Bad night (1619) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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  (386): I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music. http://tfl.nu/9pnm
  Replies (31) Good night (7428) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
  Replies (13) Good night (7476) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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  (303): hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen" http://tfl.nu/6cx3
  Replies (52) Good night (9012) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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  (305): He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys. http://tfl.nu/g37d
  Replies (307) Good night (10615) Bad night (5239) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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  (405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv
  Replies (39) Good night (9145) Bad night (707)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

  (914): View more from New York

  Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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  (914): Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem (914): Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty. http://tfl.nu/8j05
  Replies (53) Good night (6965) Bad night (2030)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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  (717): we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are http://tfl.nu/vwno
  Replies (22) Good night (6851) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.

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  (772): The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle. http://tfl.nu/irdh
  Replies (12) Good night (3735) Bad night (1199) Order T-Shirt
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went

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  (289): he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went http://tfl.nu/wqc9
  Replies (35) Good night (705) Bad night (8054) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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  (403): He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food http://tfl.nu/demt
  Replies (19) Good night (3303) Bad night (1112) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.

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  (732): the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine. http://tfl.nu/ewch
  Replies (18) Good night (1569) Bad night (3819) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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  (847): If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen http://tfl.nu/f9bs
  Replies (4) Good night (3432) Bad night (1115) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

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  (919): It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis. http://tfl.nu/c5pc
  Replies (9) Good night (1087) Bad night (3164) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
  Replies (55) Good night (25093) Bad night (1925) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

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  (225): i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper http://tfl.nu/01yr
  Replies (16) Good night (3626) Bad night (1182) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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  (713): she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding.. http://tfl.nu/h93z
  Replies (16) Good night (1198) Bad night (5221) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
  Replies (47) Good night (11053) Bad night (1909) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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  (301): you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off. http://tfl.nu/9btz
  Replies (26) Good night (5910) Bad night (1606) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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  (630): Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.. http://tfl.nu/pq67
  Replies (7) Good night (3718) Bad night (1391)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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  (816): we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring http://tfl.nu/1aqf
  Replies (24) Good night (6704) Bad night (1287) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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  (405): Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me http://tfl.nu/44om
  Replies (19) Good night (4871) Bad night (1426) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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  (810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y
  Replies (25) Good night (10729) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

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  (860): I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night. http://tfl.nu/69i0
  Replies (57) Good night (1167) Bad night (6454) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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  (919): I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels. http://tfl.nu/lt6v
  Replies (19) Good night (4200) Bad night (1165) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  wait... oh

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  (401): dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM (616): Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek? (401): wait... oh http://tfl.nu/kgtx
  Replies (9) Good night (2904) Bad night (429)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
  Replies (51) Good night (15591) Bad night (902) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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  (757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" http://tfl.nu/94sw
  Replies (84) Good night (12502) Bad night (1293) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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  (303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u
  Replies (22) Good night (6743) Bad night (1112) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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  (847): hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score?? http://tfl.nu/pp8r
  Replies (146) Good night (763) Bad night (4740) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.

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  (714): I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's. http://tfl.nu/jhuh
  Replies (7) Good night (5010) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Yes.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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  (612): You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!! (763): Yes. (612): fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria http://tfl.nu/wx8p
  Replies (37) Good night (4193) Bad night (451)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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  (216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. http://tfl.nu/h0pi
  Replies (27) Good night (588) Bad night (5565) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over

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  (570): She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over http://tfl.nu/astk
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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  (205): I only kidnapped one of them. chill http://tfl.nu/ogw5
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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  (954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa http://tfl.nu/4mlw
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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  (906): last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that http://tfl.nu/8upf
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  (619): View more from California

  he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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  (619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear? http://tfl.nu/9u5k
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  (315): View more from New York

  making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

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  (315): making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke http://tfl.nu/o15u
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  (817): View more from Texas

  What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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  (817): What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"? http://tfl.nu/9rca
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?

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  (302): is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture? http://tfl.nu/hrqs
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Im so hungover

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Come over i have rolls

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?

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  (201): Im so hungover (248): Come over i have rolls (201): Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls? http://tfl.nu/4en6
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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  (316): i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight? http://tfl.nu/82sl
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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  (314): There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run." http://tfl.nu/6vvj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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  (512): I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high. http://tfl.nu/3kr7
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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  (304): it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears. http://tfl.nu/ziqy
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

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  (317): I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me. http://tfl.nu/s4ft
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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  (708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS. http://tfl.nu/pf4u
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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  (973): So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter http://tfl.nu/eba3
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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  (804): also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite. http://tfl.nu/xds7
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  (831): View more from California

  she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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  (831): she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/99g1
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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  (517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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  (443): His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake http://tfl.nu/rol0
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  (213): View more from California

  i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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  (213): i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now. http://tfl.nu/744a
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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  (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/fztn
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

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  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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  (262): Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta. http://tfl.nu/1aj3
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  (469): View more from Texas

  you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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  (469): you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator http://tfl.nu/bsby
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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  (515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he even offered to make my bed in the morning.

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  (215): he even offered to make my bed in the morning. http://tfl.nu/d13v
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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  (313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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  (802): But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was! http://tfl.nu/nt2c
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  (530): View more from California

  As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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  (530): As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before. http://tfl.nu/b7oy
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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  (919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e
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  (845): View more from New York

  She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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  (845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex". http://tfl.nu/cd1v
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby

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  (203): all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby http://tfl.nu/jjj6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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  (303): theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner... http://tfl.nu/glgi
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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  (602): And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone http://tfl.nu/f58w
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  (585): View more from New York

  Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

  (518): View more from New York

  It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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  (585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

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  (617): I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker http://tfl.nu/yzaq
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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  (337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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  (807): I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth http://tfl.nu/b4j6
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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  (217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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  (267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5
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  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
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  (718): View more from New York

  I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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  (718): I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary. http://tfl.nu/e3xl
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  (530): View more from California

  I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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  (530): I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me http://tfl.nu/rrqt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.

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  (205): Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that. http://tfl.nu/r5hc
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.

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  (586): If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/9are
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.

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  (360): He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured. http://tfl.nu/js6x
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