Texts From Last Night

Last Night in United Kingdom (+44)

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  You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"

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  (+44): You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action" http://tfl.nu/vmud
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  Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.

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  (+44): Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower. http://tfl.nu/m2lh
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  I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.

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  (+44): I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina. http://tfl.nu/fp84
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  Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed

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  (+44): Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed http://tfl.nu/9jww
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  he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"

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  (+44): he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest" http://tfl.nu/pc1a
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  Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up

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  (+44): Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up http://tfl.nu/86tf
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  He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!

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  (+44): He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again! http://tfl.nu/ztd6
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  It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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  (+44): It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over. http://tfl.nu/6ffz
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  Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.

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  (+44): Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill. http://tfl.nu/mubs
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  I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

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  (+44): I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches. http://tfl.nu/i131
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  You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?

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  (+44): You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman? http://tfl.nu/pxap
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  The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...

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  (+44): The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off... http://tfl.nu/dj4h
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  you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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  (+44): you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB http://tfl.nu/timz
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  I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.

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  (+44): I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/4b20
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  When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.

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  (+44): When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone. http://tfl.nu/uct6
  Replies (4) Good night (302) Bad night (888)