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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need moral support for this bender
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
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